– So… I finally met my CPN in person for the first time on Monday.
– Oh aye, how did that go then?
– Well, she laughed at my jokes…
– Well she would wouldn’t she, she’s getting paid.
– She also laughed sometimes when I wasn’t making jokes
– Ah. That happens.
– Right. Well I’m glad she had a good time. She gave me a test to do too. An autism test.
– For you? What do you want one of them for?
– Well, you know we thought it might explain some stuff. So I did it and, well, see 64 is like the neurotypical vs neurodivergent threshold. And I got 128.
– So, what? You’re autistic now, aye? What’s your thing then?
– I dunno. I’d fucking love to know though. I keep asking Jack – “What’s ma thing?” And he’s like – “You don’t have a thing. Stop asking.” It’s shit. The last few days have just been a mix of identity crisis and farting blood.
– That still going on, sis?
– Aye, one thing at a time though eh. So, right how would you answer these questions… If you’re eating something and the texture’s weird, would you eat it even if the taste was nice?
– No way!
– Exactly. Correct. Three points.
– That can’t be one of the questions, surely? Why would anyone want to eat something minging? It’s not I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
– Well, I’m paraphrasing, to be fair. But anyway here’s another one… Do you like to hang out in groups of people?
– Pfft. But no-one likes hanging out in groups if they’re completely honest.
– Totally. Ok… When you don’t see family or close friends for ages, do you miss them?
– Em, no way.
– Cheers, man. Do you like talking about stuff that doesn’t interest you?
– That’s a stupid question.
– Ken. Do you ever offend someone without even realising it? Do you find certain sounds annoying? Do you have no control over the volume of your voice?
– Hahahaha! Me. Totally me. That’s messed up. But surely anyone would score highly on that test if they’re being completely honest?
– Dunno, but there’s 80 questions and it’s a pretty well regarded test for autism in adults. I’ll send it to you if you like.
– Nah, you’re alright, I got no problems.
– Fair enough like. I wasn’t too bothered before either but then I had a breakdown and ended up in the mental hospital so, I’m kinda hoping I find a way for that not to happen again.